Stop riding the couch like it’s a horse.

I can totally smell the cherries on your eraser!

Let’s put away all the guns now.

Stop slamming whatever it is you’re slamming.

Panties, panties, we need panties!

Don’t bump your head on your block cake.

Stop yelling. People actually hear your words better when you’re talking. (Ah, day care wisdom.)

Don’t stab a baby with a pencil.

Why is there a horse in the bathroom?

Everyone has to pee before you put your pants back on.

Did the fridge just fall on you?

Please don’t hit me with a hammer.

Do you like your new big girl undies? – A dad

Whaddya mean I wasn’t American before? I eat bacon! I’m lazy! – Older Son

You know he doesn’t like it when you lick him.

Sometimes they eat the play-doh.

Who left their shoes on the table?

Older killed himself in the baby machine.

Someday I’ll grow up and be too busy to play. – Miss M (Oh how sad!)

Is there a band aid for your soul?

Miss S: What are you doing?
Younger Son: Choke-slamming this baby.

When you’re carrying a sword that’s bigger than you, sometimes you fall down.

You don’t deserve to be hit in the head but if you keep grabbing toys, what do you expect?

Don’t poop in your pj’s simulating your own death.

Oh my god now they’re fighting over imaginary toys.

I will sacrifice my body before I let you get hurt. This is what mothers do!

I know that’s your nice toy but it’s covered in poo now.

It’s peanut butter, not finger paint.

We can’t do our dancing with guns all over the floor.

I think I lost your undies.

Don’t put your tongue on that.

You all have to get your pants on before I can give you lunch!

Will you come play with us and not stay in the corner and eat things and plants that are not food?!

Babies don’t taste like we do.

Are you eating pine needles?

Did you come here to get your bum-bum changed?

If we don’t put our feet on the garage, we won’t fall down. – Karen

Nobody’s tushy’s bigger than mine!!

I need a cookie to charge my body life up. – Younger Son

AAAAAGH!!! I just got hit by a blow dart!!!!

Ooo, the octopus is taking a ride in the car!

You want me to trace your body?

Are you putting your wet butts in the sand?

Is it your coat arm that’s inside out, or your real arm? Because if it’s your real arm we’ve got a problem.

Oh good, aren’t you so happy that Mama fixed the gun?

Now where did I put the bullets?

Keep your hands out of your pants.

Don’t put your feet on the cheese!

If he won’t stop crying just stick him in his crib.

Mommy, the baby’s chewing on a hammer.

Amy, I like it when you’re out of temper with other kids. – Mr. O

No playing in the toilet!!!

Stop flashing the kids.

Are you eating dirt?

Miss A, don’t tackle the baby. – Mr. O

Keep your hands out of the poop.

When you’re a hobo, you just have your baby at home. – Mr. O

Are you guys licking the baby?

No sitting on the table.

What happened to your pants?

No naked butts on the couch!

Younger Son, it’s time to stop being a chicken.

No naked people allowed in the car!

Remember to push your penis down in the toilet so the pee doesn’t go all over.

Younger Son, when Older Son is in mid-air you can’t kick him or you’ll knock him down.

I love you too.

The candle got the poop away.

Put your pants on so we can all have lunch!

Do you want powder on your bum-bum?

Why are you torturing a baby?

Stop beating your sister!

Don’t put your head through the screen! (and…)

I’m sewing the screen because someone put their head through it.

Pull up your pants.

I think I put your skirt on backwards.

Everybody find your shoes!

…and then he fell off the mattress and bumped his head.

Whoa! I just flung a teacup across the room!

Honey, I want you to think about this. Is it worth it to get this upset about a waffle?

His pants fell off!

She doesn’t want you to attack her with a towel.

I was getting four naked butts in the house.

And to Miss C, on July 6, 2010, I said the following: “Miss C, we don’t sit on the baby!!!” (Do you get it? This is all based in reality!)

Day-old crusty peanut butter on the counter doesn’t have germs, does it?

You almost stepped on my banana!!!

Did you see her undies? Did they have polka dots?