Tag Archives: boys development

Let’s Hear it for the Boy

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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I don’t usually write about Younger Son and I rarely trumpet my kids’ accomplishments online. For one, because they don’t want me to talk about it. And two, because I find it a wee bit unseemly to brag about my kids.

But last night my son did something so amazing I just have to say it. My quiet boy, the one who holds it in and buries it until it explodes (like his mother), who has struggled to find his place, stood alone in front of ten people and took his yellow belt test. In Korean. With a man he doesn’t usually train with, so the pronunciations were different, and he was asked to do several things over.

We’ve never done this before and had no idea what to expect. His father and I sat anxiously on the sideline, watching closely for signs of a breakdown. And what would we do if he had? Would it be worse to sit back and let it happen, or rush in and hug him? The whole point of the class was to give him more confidence.

The way he faced this challenge was inspiring. He’d been nervous all day and I kept telling him his teacher would not have arranged the test if he didn’t have faith that Younger could pass. We used all the tricks we’ve learned to keep calm – deep breaths, repeating the words “I can do this. I know what I’m doing,” over in his mind when he got upset. As his instructor told us, it will just be doing everything you already know and do in class.

I looked at my little one, so tiny in the middle of the big room, and was scared for him. It was silent except for the tester’s commands, and all eyes were on him. He went through his moves with strength and determination. Occasionally he made a slight bobble but always recovered.

When it was time to get his new belt his teacher asked for a family member to come and take his old one. Older Son jumped up and ran to his brother. Younger got his new belt, a certificate, bows and praise and claps, and it was over.

When we got home, Dave told him there was no way he could’ve done what Younger did when he was that age. I just hugged and hugged him. He wrapped an arm around my neck and held me tight, tighter than he has in a long time. It surprised me, and I think he really needed to hold onto something until all the energy of the experience had left his body. I held tight back, for as long as he would let me.

Just when we are most worried about our children they can really surprise us. I am prouder of my son than I have ever been for any of his accomplishments. He had more in him than I ever knew. And today I am overwhelmingly grateful for that.

No Teasing, No Taunting

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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I teach early childhood classes where we talk about the difference between girls’ and boys’ bullying behavior. Boys typically attack physically and get lots of timeouts for that. But girls attack verbally, and we have to treat their attacks just as if someone has been hit.

I’ve been dealing with a little mean girl stuff around here lately, but it’s giving me the “wonderful teachable moments” that my friend Lynne is always talking about. I’m almost grateful for the run-ins that happen because then I get to teach a child how to make a healthy choice to protect herself.

For example I have a girl who I call my little boss. She’s only imitating my behavior, which a lot of girls do, but she likes to be in charge of everyone. She was telling Miss C what to do when Miss C yelled at her and started to cry (I so get that feeling).

The boss said, “I don’t want to play with you. Right, Miss C?”

I said, “Ms. Boss, she’s really mad right now because of how you’re treating her. She doesn’t want to talk about it. You need to leave her alone.”

Miss C looked at me and stopped crying. It was like she suddenly realized she didn’t have to play out the Boss’s puppet show. She could choose not to engage, and when she knew that the cloud lifted. This is one of the most powerful moments I get to enjoy on the job.

It reminded me of one of my clients whose daughter had gone on to preschool. She was having trouble with a child who was mean and she didn’t want to play with that child. But the teacher told her she had to because of the “we’re all friends here” rule.

I told the mom, “You tell your daughter she never has to play with anyone she doesn’t want to!”

I understand the intention of a rule like that because it’s trying to dictate good behavior, but it isn’t something you can control. It’s like saying “Be nice.” How do you regulate that?

And why would you ever want to force kids to play with someone who is hurting them? I suggested that mom tell her daughter to WALK AWAY, and that it’s OK to tell people exactly how they’re making you feel. You never make a child play with anyone, that’s just crazy talk.

I often try another response with the kids, which is no response at all. We recently had an interesting conversation with a friend who is a psychiatric social worker. She said that sometimes people will physically attack her. I asked all the kids present (there were four – I am never not surrounded by kids) to listen up and hear what her response is.

She said first you try not to respond too much. Then you put up a hand and say, “You’re getting a little too close to me now,” but you have to learn how to stay calm and project strength.

She even said that she’s been hit, and it doesn’t scare her anymore because once it happens, you know what it feels like and you survive. Now that’s tough.

The kids were interested and I was glad we had a chance to talk about survival tactics. Older Son said “I have a good way to deal with bullies. I just look at them and go, ‘Really?’”

We talked about how much easier it is for adults to handle the onslaught than kids. And how even adults have to deal with bullies. It’s pretty cool when you find life lessons in unexpected places.

So, in summation: no response, calm response, be strong, walk away, you don’t have to play with a bully, and you will get through this if you use your head. Just another day at the office.

Mother’s Day 2012

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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Every year for a while now I’ve been writing a letter to all my mom friends on mother’s day. This year, thanks to the power of the internet, I get to share it with many more moms.

It was a pretty mellow morning this year. Some nice cards from the boys (Younger’s haiku made me cry) and a lovely huge daisy plant to put on the front steps. For the first time being “a mom” on mother’s day felt a little less meaningful. Not in a bad way, but I think it’s just a natural part of the kids growing up.

As the intensity of caring for them eases up, so does everything else. It all seems nice and smooth lately, and that vibe just continued through the lazy morning. I snuggled with them on the couch and watched MythBusters. Which is pretty much my favorite thing in the whole wide world, so I have NO complaints.

I got to hug my mother-in-law and tell her how much I love her. I talked to my own mom on the phone, who called at the moment I was getting out of the car on the side of the highway, and gave me sympathy for the carsickness I’ve had since I was her little girl. I spent some time with two mom friends and got a bunch of texts from others. As I said, not as exciting as past Mother’s days, but one of the nicest days I’ve had in a while.

We spent the afternoon watching my sister-in-law (also a mom) in Into the Woods, probably one of the most poignant musicals out there for a parent. I remember listening to it quite a bit when I was pregnant with my first, the songs outlining so many life lessons.

I also remember thinking, how am I going to cover all of this with my kid? I dunno, maybe just give him a copy of Into the Woods.

One of the biggest laughs I had yesterday was when Rapunzel confronted her mother, the Witch, telling her, “You locked me in a tower, you blinded my prince, you banished me to the desert…because of you I’ll never be happy!!” (Runs away crying.)

And the witch screamed after her, “I WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE A GOOD MOTHER!!!”

I laughed because all the moms on the sidelines of the game last week had this exact same conversation. It really doesn’t matter what you do as a mom – work, don’t work, spoil them, be strict, do everything the best way you think you possibly can, but you can’t change the fact that everything will always be your fault.

So what it means to be a mother is changing for me as my boys grow up, and just like everything else about being a mom, I have to adjust to that. Still compensating, still shifting, still being as patient as I can while worrying all the time that I’m screwing them up. Ah, motherhood. I hope that all the moms had a fabulous day and got some of the love you deserve.

So How’d You Spend Your Saturday Morning, Part 2

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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I am sitting in my kitchen with the doors closed, music on, trying to drown out the screaming of my Older Son.

*Possibly the best line I’ve ever written on my blog.*

He’s losing his mind over Mario Super Sluggers and screaming so loud that even Younger Son said, “He needs to take a break.”

He did the same thing last night and we eventually left him to go upstairs and read Harry Potter (yes, thank you Lord, my son is finally reading the books after owning them for three years, because the endless unanswered questions left by the movies drove him to it).

Anyway it’s such a wonderful way to spend a Saturday morning. I had to give Older credit because he was up an hour before me and didn’t make a peep so that I could sleep in. Holding that in must have been hard but he did it for his dear old Mum. And for that I have to hold in my urge to tell him to “KNOCK IT OFF!!!!”

I thought we were finally past this phase. He used to do the exact same thing when he was younger, venting his frustration at seemingly impossible video games. Then he finally grew out of it and it was like a cloud lifted.

But now he’s back to it and I think I’ve figured out why: hormones. He’s getting flashes of pre-teen angst, snide comments here and there, running up to his room and hiding. ANYTHING my husband says to him is taken as a personal attack.

Dad: You made a great save.
Older: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!

I knew all of this was coming and I’m not surprised or upset. I’m really quite sympathetic (well he’s my kid, of course I’m on his side). I think part of why I work well with children is because I remember quite vividly what it feels like to grow up. Not the exact details or events, but the VERY BIG FEELINGS that made everything seem like your life was about to end dramatically.

I look at the challenges he’s facing and they’re pretty big for an 11-year-old boy. His team gets crushed every Saturday and Sunday. He’s dealing with a whole new set of fears that have just appeared after a long time of feeling overly confident about the world and his capabilities to handle it. He has a huge burden of homework, some of which he doesn’t understand and no one can seem to explain to him. He wants to feel capable and strong, not confused and emasculated.

Of course none of this compares to my Polish neighbor, who was in a German POW camp at age 11, so we do try to keep it in perspective.

But still, the pain of the screaming. I have a hard time relating to Older’s outbursts because well, first of all the sound makes me want to do horrible things to him. But it’s also not how I handle anger. I hold it all in until I lose it and have to go in the basement and punch the heck out of Nubs. Older vocalizes his pain.

But then I remember, I learned this technique when I was in labor and it really worked. Someone (probably my pregnancy yoga teacher) told me it’s the worst pain of your life, you’re allowed to yell. But do it in a growling way to release it instead of shrieking like a banshee. And it actually did work.

Nowadays if I stub my toe (or slice my hand with a knife, which I did last week while cutting the cantaloupe and yelling at a day care kid to stop hitting someone), the rumble comes up from my gut and actually eases the pain, or at least takes my mind off it.

So I have to accept for a while that this is Older’s outlet. I know it will pass because it has before (and then God knows what he’ll use to soothe the pain).

It seems that my banshee finally won the level so he’s calm for the moment. But I know he’ll be back.

Solving the World’s Problems with an 8-year-old Over Breakfast

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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Ah, the wisdom that hits us when we’ve only gotten through half of our first cup of coffee.

The boys were sitting with me at breakfast and while I read the paper, the topic of sexism came up. Younger wanted to know what it meant.

I said, “It’s like racism, but based on if you’re a woman or man rather than what color you are.”

So we delved into that idea for a while, with Older giving us as much of his worldly wisdom on the subject as possible.

Younger was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “People aren’t all one color.”

So with the full head of steam I had going over the discussion, I continued in the vein of, “Well of course, that’s why we have racism because people judge each other based on if they’re darker or lighter…”

Younger stopped me there (it’s fun for them to stop me once I get rolling). “No, your skin is white but your eyes are a different color. That’s what I’m trying to tell you about. You have more than one color in your body.”

I still didn’t follow. Since we all have more than one color, we shouldn’t care only about our skin?

Younger said, “No. I mean what if we grouped people by their eye color instead of their skin?”

Yup. Epiphany.

I guess we’d have three or four much smaller tribes than what we’ve got now. (Unless you count the red-eyed vampires that would be five.) But wow. Kids, man. I don’t have words to describe the depth of it even now, sitting here hours later still trying to process the insight of that comment.

Well, we got one down. Now, what to do about that sexism thing.