Hell Yea, I’m Mom Enough

Posted on by Amy Pybus
4

OK I’m doing it. I didn’t write about the damn Time magazine cover because I didn’t feel like giving something so blatantly sensationalist any attention. But in the past month I can’t seem to get away from attachment parenting and its fallout, and I just can’t keep quiet any more.

In all fairness, some of the principles of attachment parenting are lovely and well-intentioned. I used them during the early months of my sons’ lives (and was a frequent visitor to Dr. Sears’ website). But ultimately I think they are misleading a lot of parents, and taking the power and control out of their hands.

In short, attachment teaches parents to be very kind and nurturing to children. Nothing wrong with that. But it also teaches people to understand their child’s angry feelings and negotiate for better behavior instead of giving a consequence. Two-year-olds don’t understand conversation. Instead of clearly teaching children that bad behavior is not acceptable, this tactic only creates very good negotiators.

We humans are tricky creatures. We’re stubborn and naturally a little bit arrogant. We don’t like to be told how to do anything. We only truly learn by doing, on our own, with real consequences, and sometimes failure. Actually, we learn the most by failing. (There are like, a ton of quotes about that online but I didn’t feel like copying one here.)

Attachment parenting doesn’t allow failure. As soon as a child fusses, mommy is there. How is a child going to grow if its parent is meeting every need? They have to find out how to meet their own needs. No one can ever be self-sufficient if they’re relying on someone else to fix every problem.

One teacher friend of mine was recently reprimanded for telling his students it was irresponsible to miss an event they’d planned. The parents complained that he made their children feel bad. I wonder if these parents plan on following their children around through life preventing anything upsetting from happening to them.

Mostly I can’t forget something another teacher friend of mine said. We were talking about the challenging behavior she faces in class and she pointed out that “since attachment parenting is only about twenty years old, I don’t think that we have seen the true effect of it on society and kids as they become adults.”

Proponents of the philosophy would say it’s wonderful, the effect will be a more peaceful world. But those of us who work with kids worry about just the opposite. What we see is children who expect adults to jump for them and have no concern for anyone but themselves.

This is not how to raise healthy people. I show love to my kids – all of them, my own and day care alike – by expecting them to do better. By challenging them to problem solve and learn that you can’t always get what you want (a refrain I often sing in a lovely lilting voice). And believe it or not, they respond to me with gratitude. I respect them enough to challenge them, which means I also trust them to succeed. That is the best thing a child could ask of an adult.

Whaddya Know, I Do Have a Teacher Voice

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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I had the opportunity to chaperone both of my boys’ field trips over the past couple of weeks and I was so thrilled. They actually wanted me to go so I figured I’d better take that chance while I still had it.

Going on these trips always makes me a little nervous. I have a teaching degree and figure eventually, one day, I’m going to use it. I was trained to be a teacher, I am one in my child care, and it’s the natural next step for my career. But I still feel daunted when I walk into a classroom.

My situation is so different – I’m in my home with really little kids, and it’s just easy and natural. When I go in to school I doubt my ability to be in charge of a classroom and have the authority over so many more kids.

I watch how the teachers behave on the field trips. All it takes is one look or sharp word and they’ve got those kids in line. While I follow them around reminding them fifty times to stop running away from me, and they turn around and sass me.

But I have to remember that on these trips, I’m NOT the teacher. I’m just a parent, and I also don’t want to embarrass my own kid, who’s been nice enough to say I can go and trust me not to do that. So I just get through the day without really stepping it up.

But this morning while playing in the driveway my littles started to fight over a toy and I just barked. I realized it was automatic and they responded. I DO have a teacher voice!

After thinking about it I know it’s because here, I AM in charge. This is my house, my rules, and the kids know my expectations. I also know the kids. I know who needs a firm voice, who needs a lighter touch, how far I can let one push the boundaries, how quickly I have to step into an argument.

This trust is built over time, and not just on an 8-hour field trip. During those days I was able to pick out personalities pretty quickly, and I already knew what was motivating some of those kids. If I had to work with them daily I would figure out how to handle them.

And I’d have no problem using my teacher voice. So my confidence is restored. I do know what I’m doing! (Phew.)

Lest You Think a Mother’s Life is Not Busy…

Posted on by Amy Pybus
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Younger Son had a field trip last week and I chaperoned. This was my to-do list:

  • Make sure my sub (Famous Carol) can come for day care
  • Alert parents that Famous Carol is coming and they need to pick up at 4:00
  • Send in check for Younger’s cost to school
  • Make sure permission slip was signed and returned
  • Send in $2 for his “I belong with this class” bright blue t-shirt
  • Find out that chaperones need to pay and send another check
  • Send another $2 for MY bright blue (“I belong with this class and am not a kidnapper”) t-shirt
  • Ask Michelle to pick up Older after school
  • Make sure Older knows he’s going with Michelle
  • Write dismissal email to Older’s homeroom teacher
  • Note for Older to remember to go home with Michelle and not on bus
  • Have talk with Older to figure out what will happen if he does go home on bus
  • Write down Michelle’s phone number for Older in case he goes home on bus
  • Reassure Older that he will remember to go home with Michelle and not to worry
  • Email Famous Carol to be sure she’s coming and tell her what’s going on with the kids this week
  • Send parents reminder email and write early closing time on whiteboard
  • Write “Bag lunch” on the menu for that day so Dad won’t make normal lunch
  • Take a picture of the TV remote and upload it to computer, print it out and write instructions for Famous Carol
  • Find my small travel backpack (throw out first one I found because it’s disintegrating)
  • Charge two iPods since they’re allowed to bring them for entertainment
  • Gather Younger’s book, headphones, charged iPods, and journal to go in his backpack
  • Find a better journal because the first one is too small
  • Pack my own bag with sunblock, magazine, snack for four kids, bandaids, tissues, itinerary, etc.
  • Go over the checklist sent from the school to make sure I didn’t forget anything (but I’m plagued with the feeling that I did)

Now for the morning of the trip:

  • Pack the bag lunches and Younger’s snack
  • Change whiteboard message for parents to pickup early today
  • Set up the cribs
  • Get pile of VCR tapes
  • Leave check and instructions for Famous Carol
  • Leave the tv set to VCR
  • Vaccuum under the snack table because I forgot to last night
  • Greet kids arriving at normal time
  • Review TV use with Carol
  • Make sure Younger’s ready (which he is, because he’s awesome)
  • Go on field trip!!!

Older’s field trip is next week.

 

Let’s Hear it for the Boy

Posted on by Amy Pybus
8

I don’t usually write about Younger Son and I rarely trumpet my kids’ accomplishments online. For one, because they don’t want me to talk about it. And two, because I find it a wee bit unseemly to brag about my kids.

But last night my son did something so amazing I just have to say it. My quiet boy, the one who holds it in and buries it until it explodes (like his mother), who has struggled to find his place, stood alone in front of ten people and took his yellow belt test. In Korean. With a man he doesn’t usually train with, so the pronunciations were different, and he was asked to do several things over.

We’ve never done this before and had no idea what to expect. His father and I sat anxiously on the sideline, watching closely for signs of a breakdown. And what would we do if he had? Would it be worse to sit back and let it happen, or rush in and hug him? The whole point of the class was to give him more confidence.

The way he faced this challenge was inspiring. He’d been nervous all day and I kept telling him his teacher would not have arranged the test if he didn’t have faith that Younger could pass. We used all the tricks we’ve learned to keep calm – deep breaths, repeating the words “I can do this. I know what I’m doing,” over in his mind when he got upset. As his instructor told us, it will just be doing everything you already know and do in class.

I looked at my little one, so tiny in the middle of the big room, and was scared for him. It was silent except for the tester’s commands, and all eyes were on him. He went through his moves with strength and determination. Occasionally he made a slight bobble but always recovered.

When it was time to get his new belt his teacher asked for a family member to come and take his old one. Older Son jumped up and ran to his brother. Younger got his new belt, a certificate, bows and praise and claps, and it was over.

When we got home, Dave told him there was no way he could’ve done what Younger did when he was that age. I just hugged and hugged him. He wrapped an arm around my neck and held me tight, tighter than he has in a long time. It surprised me, and I think he really needed to hold onto something until all the energy of the experience had left his body. I held tight back, for as long as he would let me.

Just when we are most worried about our children they can really surprise us. I am prouder of my son than I have ever been for any of his accomplishments. He had more in him than I ever knew. And today I am overwhelmingly grateful for that.

No Teasing, No Taunting

Posted on by Amy Pybus
2

I teach early childhood classes where we talk about the difference between girls’ and boys’ bullying behavior. Boys typically attack physically and get lots of timeouts for that. But girls attack verbally, and we have to treat their attacks just as if someone has been hit.

I’ve been dealing with a little mean girl stuff around here lately, but it’s giving me the “wonderful teachable moments” that my friend Lynne is always talking about. I’m almost grateful for the run-ins that happen because then I get to teach a child how to make a healthy choice to protect herself.

For example I have a girl who I call my little boss. She’s only imitating my behavior, which a lot of girls do, but she likes to be in charge of everyone. She was telling Miss C what to do when Miss C yelled at her and started to cry (I so get that feeling).

The boss said, “I don’t want to play with you. Right, Miss C?”

I said, “Ms. Boss, she’s really mad right now because of how you’re treating her. She doesn’t want to talk about it. You need to leave her alone.”

Miss C looked at me and stopped crying. It was like she suddenly realized she didn’t have to play out the Boss’s puppet show. She could choose not to engage, and when she knew that the cloud lifted. This is one of the most powerful moments I get to enjoy on the job.

It reminded me of one of my clients whose daughter had gone on to preschool. She was having trouble with a child who was mean and she didn’t want to play with that child. But the teacher told her she had to because of the “we’re all friends here” rule.

I told the mom, “You tell your daughter she never has to play with anyone she doesn’t want to!”

I understand the intention of a rule like that because it’s trying to dictate good behavior, but it isn’t something you can control. It’s like saying “Be nice.” How do you regulate that?

And why would you ever want to force kids to play with someone who is hurting them? I suggested that mom tell her daughter to WALK AWAY, and that it’s OK to tell people exactly how they’re making you feel. You never make a child play with anyone, that’s just crazy talk.

I often try another response with the kids, which is no response at all. We recently had an interesting conversation with a friend who is a psychiatric social worker. She said that sometimes people will physically attack her. I asked all the kids present (there were four – I am never not surrounded by kids) to listen up and hear what her response is.

She said first you try not to respond too much. Then you put up a hand and say, “You’re getting a little too close to me now,” but you have to learn how to stay calm and project strength.

She even said that she’s been hit, and it doesn’t scare her anymore because once it happens, you know what it feels like and you survive. Now that’s tough.

The kids were interested and I was glad we had a chance to talk about survival tactics. Older Son said “I have a good way to deal with bullies. I just look at them and go, ‘Really?’”

We talked about how much easier it is for adults to handle the onslaught than kids. And how even adults have to deal with bullies. It’s pretty cool when you find life lessons in unexpected places.

So, in summation: no response, calm response, be strong, walk away, you don’t have to play with a bully, and you will get through this if you use your head. Just another day at the office.