Winter Break: A Providers-Eye View

Any provider knows school vacation weeks are extra challenging. In my case, it’s the usual number of little kids plus my two boys plus my after-schooler, and various friends dropping by here and there.

On top of an unusually warm and sick winter. Every child has had some illness, and I’ve had them all. So I’m at the end of my energy. Wait, maybe if we could use the amount of germs to convince people that global warming is a problem! You don’t want to be sick? Vote for wind power.

While I was making lunch…wait. While I was making lunches: one for the smaller kids, one modified for the after-schooler (Miss S) who didn’t like the first choice, one each for Older and Younger Son, who will never eat the same meal, one for the visiting friend who didn’t like any of the other choices, and one for me – I got tired of being pestered for seconds by Miss S. I said “You’ll have to wait. I’m making lunch for nine people here.”

She looked around herself at the day care table and said, “No, only five people.”

I said, “There are nine people in this house and they all have to eat.”

She counted all the kids again and said, “Oh, you mean eight.”

So that about sums up my feelings during a week like this. No, I don’t actually exist or have needs, I am simply here to meet yours.

The weather’s been mild enough to get outside a bit, but still cold enough to chase us back in after a few minutes. I can’t do a proper circle because Miss S wants to be me, my sons continue everything they’re doing regardless of my circle (i.e. Wii games, wrestling, and interrupting me to ask for second breakfasts), and I can’t really read or sing anyway because of my sore throat.

So in an effort to entertain all the kids I did one of our fairly easy but fun crafts – I Spy jars (old water bottles filled with rice and fun little things to find). While I gathered the supplies I opened the giant box of rice to let the kids play with it (this is an awesome tactile activity btw).

I can predict what happens with these projects as easily as I can predict that – well, that I’ll be sick in February. Every child is ecstatically thrilled with the rice for about four minutes. They are engaged and enthralled, freeing me up to gather all the fun little things that go in the jars. Then the giggles get louder and the rice starts flying around the room. Miss S is following me while I gather the supplies, asking 100 questions and starting the project without me by filling her bottle, which is still wet on the inside.

Mr. R, after tossing some rice, is done with the project and is banging on the glass French doors in the living room. After I bring him back to the project, he dumps what I’ve put in his bottle all over the middle of the table and everyone’s work. While I recover from this disaster, he heads over to the desk and starts touching my computer.

By the end of the activity, it’s been over an hour of impatience, pestering, fighting over who gets the kitty cat or the purple flower, and my “helpers” abandoning me. The morning is summed up when I look under the table and find the entire dumped-out box of pom poms which I left out of reach. I’m cleaning rice from every surface in the room and trying to re-sort all the pieces back into their homes while the kids are using their now-complete I Spy jars as weapons.

And Miss D is sobbing and screaming because when she wailed Younger Son in the back with her bottle, it split open and everything poured out.

Yippee!!!!!

Still, the jars came out awesome. And I look to next week with mixed feelings. I’m happy to know I’ll have my quiet time back without having to entertain big kids who don’t nap. And not having to drag everyone back and forth to school is heaven. But other than that, I’ll miss my boys. They were nice to have around, despite the trail of food wrappers and dirty clothes that they leave in their wake. They were considerate and helpful, and they’re at the point where I can yell out “Older – get Mr. R away from the French doors,” and – he’ll do it! That’s a miracle right there.

As always, the stress of the week is balanced with something nice, which happened Friday morning around the snack table. Everybody was getting wound up: our newest big sister is having a hard time adjusting to life with a baby. Someone touched someone else’s snack. Another was crying because no one would give her a chance to talk uninterrupted. I said, “I think everyone is just in a cranky mood today.”

Miss D looked at me and said, “That’s OK, because Amy’s here.”

My heart melted, as it always does when one of the littles looks me in the eye and gives me back some of that love. So maybe I do more than just meet everybody else’s needs after all. I am a calming presence. A leader who sets the tone. Or as Dave would say, “Yeah yeah everyone knows you’re a saint. What’s for dinner?”

On Hitting Trolls with Brooms

Yea, I stole it from Amazon

A while back I wrote about some of my son’s favorite books and was looking for pictures of them on the interwebs. I came across a review of one of our all-time classics, Harry and the Terrible Whatzit.

It’s a story that Younger Son always loved. He went through a very fearful phase and we had a whole stack of books specifically about dealing with fears (and he loved each and every one of them, and still gets excited when he comes across them). I loved Harry because it’s an old-fashioned book from the ’70s with quaint pictures and no marketing involved.

It’s about a little boy who’s afraid to go in the basement to look for his missing mother. But he needs to find her! So Harry plucks up his courage and goes in the basement, and of course there’s a Terrible Whatzit down there. He starts beating it with a broom.

Here’s what the review said:

“I almost hesitate to recommend this book to other parents and teachers because it shows a little boy hitting someone (or something) else. And hitting isn’t a message I want to send to the little boys out there.”

OK, let’s not panic here.

The story is about empowerment! It’s about defeating the boogie men who live in the closet!! It’s not saying that you should literally carry around a broom for beating people!

Kids know the difference between reality and books. Would there really be a two-headed warty troll in the basement? No. So you wouldn’t need to beat it with a broom. But when Harry hits it, the troll shrinks and eventually runs away. It’s an ingenious way to show kids metaphorically that if they face their fears, they can overcome them.

Who wasn’t afraid to go in the basement? I still remember the fear that would rise in my chest from just looking into that dark, brick-lined pit. The value of a book like this is in being able to pinpoint that feeling and teach a child how to overcome it without lecturing. And to show that maybe the thing you’re afraid of isn’t so big and bad, and you’re smart and tough enough to handle it. Like my friend Natalie told me the other day, “You’re so much stronger and braver than you give yourself credit for.” We all need to hear that every now and then.

There is violence throughout literature because there is violence throughout life. I understand that there is a point in trying to shield our kids from it (such as the WWE, God help me my sons idolize mulleted insane muscle freaks). But we can’t totally. Violence is part of human nature.

Teaching kids not to be violent is a daily, ongoing process, during which we show them that all kinds of behavior aren’t acceptable. Instead we teach them how to treat people in a respectful way.

You know, probably by explaining about not going around hitting them with brooms, and stuff like that.

The best way to teach non-violence is to live it. Most kids would never see you beating anything with a broom unless you had a raccoon in your garage. We teach by how we live. If they see you being courteous, treating people with respect, and apologizing when you’re wrong, then they’ll know how to do these things too. And hopefully we can show them how to protect themselves from violence a little bit, too (but that’s another post).

For example, Older Son was worried that he’d hurt someone during a basketball game and didn’t know what to do. I told him next time something like that happens, just pat the guy on the shoulder and say, “Sorry about that, are you ok?” Easy. But until I gave him the simple steps, he didn’t know what to do.

I have another old ‘70s book in my collection of classics called Sunday Morning by Judith Viorst. We discovered it when my kids were about 7 and 5. In it a parent threatens the kids with a spanking if they’re not quiet. The first time we read it Younger Son turned to me and asked, “What’s a spanking?”

Can I say that was one of my proudest moments as a mother without looking like a self-satisfied jerk? But kids will come across a lot of things in books that they’ve never actually seen happen in real life.

So people, be not afraid. Read “Harry and the Terrible Whatzit” and fight monsters and slay dragons. Your kids will feel powerful and strong and maybe next time (or, a year from now) you won’t have to go in the basement with them.

What’s Up, Lego Advent Calendar?

Yeah yeah yeah, it’s January and I’m just cleaning up my Christmas stuff. Busy mother, remember? Half the point of this whole blog?

Anyway. Every year my mother buys either a Lego or Playmobil advent calendar for the kids. The Playmobil ones are fun because they’re re-usable, and they all have a holiday theme. We have several now and sometimes we set them all up so the boys are opening four or five calendars every day.

The Lego ones are fun because they get to build a little something every day and get lots of Lego people for their collection. While they have a little bit of a holiday theme (you always get a Santa!), they’re mostly just little pieces, sets, and people that can be mixed in with the giant box of Legos.

This year, we had a very hard time figuring out what the theme was. Well, not so much what it was, but WHY.

Day one: this guy.

Something tells me that's not just a snowball

OK, he’s missing a tooth, he’s scruffy, he has an I’m-up-to-no-good look. That’s weird. But he’s got a snowball, so maybe it’s just fun and games time.

Day two: this catapult.

Can't say that word without getting the REM song stuck in my head

Yes, see, I reassured the kids, it’s just a snowball fight. You always bring your catapult to a snowball fight!

And thank goodness they warned us not to launch it into anyone’s eye. Because the last thing you want to do the week before Christmas is shoot your eye out.

You'll shoot your eye out!

Day three: a cop.

Extra handcuffs.

With handcuffs. And extra handcuffs. And an incredibly smug look on his face. (Occupy Lego City?)

Where are we going with this theme?

Day four: this.

The bars are just to keep the cashier safe, honey...

Immediately Older Son said it was a jail. I said no, it’s just a warming station. Or a snack shack. It’s Christmas in the city after all, and we’re having a snowball fight so we need some hot chocolate when we’re done.

Why do I even try to be positive? I’m sure they think I’m already senile. Or just really pathetically naive. I’m surprised they don’t pat my head.

So by the end of two weeks, here’s what the warming station became:

Yep. It's a jail.

Older Son, with some resignation, declared, ”Yep. I was right. It’s a jail.”

And by this time we had another guy:

Sk8r con

And notice how his shirt matches the first guy! They’re freakin convicts!!! (The good thing is, he has a skateboard for a quick getaway. And his helmet so he can be VERY responsible. Because a convict on the lam’s first concern is safety.)

The scene, as my boys predicted, was a JAIL BREAK. With more cops, a safe, cars and snowmobiles in pursuit, and don’t forget the K9 unit.

Cujo

Release the hounds!

And now, into the middle of all this chaos, here comes Santa. And he’s pissed.

Santa's here. You're in for it now.

Ooo, nothing but coal for you, bad guys.

And then you’ve just got this random dude out ice fishing. Does he even know what’s happening right behind him?

Totally random bystander

Seriously Lego people. It’s CHRISTMAS! I’m all for madness and mayhem, I have boys. We have guns and swords and good guys and bad guys and wrestling matches and tae kwon do and WWE. But for Christmas?

The boys were puzzled by it and honestly, a little disappointed. But that didn’t stop them from having some fun. Look how happy this guy is that he’s about to take a crowbar to poor old Santa.

Look out! Behind you Santa!

Look out Santa! Behind you!

You’ve gotta be a hard, hard dude to want to beat up Kris Kringle.

He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake
He knows you’re creeping up on him with a big red Lego stake

Maybe it’s Lego’s anti-crime campaign. “Be good kids, because if you grow up and become a felon you won’t get ANY presents! And have a Merry Christmas.” People of Lego: I’m not complaining. We’re over it. Our season was not ruined by the jailbreak advent calendar. But my sons respectfully request a little more holiday cheer next year. Mm-kay?

To Liz, On Having her Second Baby

Many families in my day care program have had babies over the years (and then I automatically get new customers!). But I didn’t have a blog then. So Liz, you’re the lucky one who gets to hear this lecture. I look forward to the arrival of your new baby with love and excitement! (And I know you can’t wait to get it the heck out.)

I remember expecting my Younger Son. I was thrilled and excited and so much more confident than I had been the first time around.

But I was also consumed with the thought that I was ruining his older brother’s life. Towards the end of the pregnancy my belly was so big that I could barely even hold him in my lap, and it killed me that I couldn’t give him the attention that he craved. That child who had been the center of my universe was going to have to adjust – big-time – and I thought he would hate me for it.

It was probably mother nature preparing us all for the baby who would be in my lap nursing for hours. And Older would have to cuddle next to me, instead of right on my lap. I knew the transition would be hard for him, but it was hard for everybody.

Well, when is having a baby NOT hard?

And when the baby was done nursing and tucked away in his bouncy seat, Older could have me all he wanted. Life would go on, and we would find new ways to enjoy each other’s company.

The best thing I heard while expecting Younger was that when you have your second child, “the hardest part is giving yourself over to parenting.” I thought, what have I been doing for the past three years of spending 24/7 at the beck and call of this child? Was that not giving myself over? Was that not going to be ENOUGH?

But if you have two babies, you might as well have ten, because that’s how big the difference is (I’m sorry to put that so bluntly – don’t be afraid). There is never a time when you are not needed by someone. The laundry and dishes multiply tenfold. It’s much harder to enjoy a quiet naptime (because even if your first is young enough to still nap, they’ll never do it at the same time). Even sneaking away for a few hours gets more difficult. Plenty of friends are willing to hang out with your one child. But a toddler and a baby? Not so much.

There’s the fear – as long as the baby was in my belly I knew he was safe. But as soon as he was out, and I was saddled with him in a car seat or stroller or nursing, and my toddler went running off into the woods, what would I do? How would I keep both of them safe? Just keeping one alive was hard and stressful enough.

Then I had the thoughts of, will it be my last baby? My day care provider at the time had two boys, it’s all she wanted, she was done and happy and so sure of herself. I was jealous of her confidence and always torn about making a commitment to another child. Then Younger got to be about three years old and I said yeah – that ship has sailed. But you’ll know when you know, it’s as simple as that. If times were different I’d have five kids, but this is what my lifestyle fits. And I am more than blessed and eternally grateful to have two fabulous, healthy, kind, caring boys who were meant just for me.

In fact just the other night I had a dream that I was nursing a baby and I woke up with a shudder. I told Dave and he said, “That’s disgusting.” (We’re joking, Leche League.)

Oh, and some good practical advice is to try to minimize how much the baby needs you when your older child does too. Of course that sounds impossible but you don’t want to bring home this squirmy, loud, smelly thing who’s getting all the love and attention while your older child mopes, and then to top it off keep reminding them that they can’t have you anymore because now you belong to the baby.

The best trick I found for doing that is saying something like “My hands are busy right now. I’ll help you in just a minute I promise.” Try to avoid “I’m busy with THE BABY.” Your child is going to be so sick of that damn baby – try not to point out that you’re neglecting them to play with the one who they think is replacing them.

Let her come to her own opinion about the baby. Don’t force her to play with it or say how much she loves it or help you change diapers – yet. The time will come when she’s interested (and maybe that will be right away, who knows), but let her set the pace.

And read Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, it will save your life I guarantee. It’s also probably a good idea to stock up on “The new baby is coming!” books from the library so you can talk to her about this in a non-in-your-face way.

I remember the first night in the hospital with Younger. Everyone had gone (remember the first baby, when Daddy’s hovering over you every moment? By the second one he’s home sleeping before the nurses tell you lights out) and it was just me and this beautiful, scrawny, pruney, stunning, perfect baby. I grabbed him out of his cradle and scared him to death – I was used to handling a wild 2-1/2 year old toddler boy.

I held him tight and told him, “We’re going to be great friends.” I felt a warmth I hadn’t had with Older, because for that poor boy I was just in a slightly constant state of panic and confusion. For this one I knew exactly what I was doing and it made the ride all the more precious.

When I look at my boys now, the unit, the inseparable pair, the brothers who have a bond I can’t even fathom, I know any worry I had was a waste of time. They have that sibling relationship that is so vital through life. You may love or hate your sibling, but there is no one else in the world who shares the same experiences and history as you. And as my friend once told me, “Everybody needs a sibling to gang up on your parents with.”

My second child was a gift to my entire family, one that I probably still don’t quite understand the magnitude of. I can’t remember what life was like before he came. I know I wondered how I could love another baby as much as I loved my first, and then I found out that my own heart had depths I couldn’t have imagined.

What More Can I Say But…WWE

OK. I’ve done it. I’ve been to the dark side…and come back to tell the story.

I went where I swear I would never have gone, and had no desire to go, in my whole life – if I didn’t have two sons in it.

A real-life WWE cage match.

This is just the latest thing I banned from my kids’ lives and they insisted on having, so eventually I caved. Just like how I said there’d never be war toys in my house and now we have an arsenal – literally. There are so many guns and swords that they had to be moved into their own room (you know, the office/guest room/armory).

BUT, as I learned with the guns, the toys you play with don’t make you who you are. It’s how you treat other people. And teaching my boys how to treat other people has nothing to do with toy guns. So I do my usual daily work of guiding and teaching, and I let the WWE seep in. Or come crashing in, literally and figuratively, as it did for my boys. And we continue to talk about how you don’t resolve your problems by throwing someone through a wall.

Older Son was angry when I told him how I felt about professional wrestling. Here he’d found this awesome, intensely cool thing that spoke to him on a level I can’t understand, and all I could do was say how bad it was. I told him I can’t stand to see people beating on each other.

He put his hand on my arm, looked in my eyes, and in a tone of real concern asked me, “You do know it’s fake, right?”

I had to admit it – he’s a pretty smart kid. So I let it play. In a matter of months they’ve obtained toy wrestling rings, a collection of action figures, and a soundtrack that must be cranked whenever we’re in the car. So Santa decided it would be fun to take them to a real match (against my will). I decided to look at it as a sociological experiment (which I guess is pretty much how I see most of my life these days).

I figured the crowd would be entertaining and boy was I right. There were a few who were really downright scary – you could see the security guards keeping an eye on them (and in real life they’re probably the sweetest people but put them in the right situation and they look terrifying). The 65-year-old lady and her 35-year-old son gesturing wildly to each other when the announcer said the next live match would be in March. The (again, adult) lady behind us yelling and screaming and making the most hilarious comments – to people who don’t take the WWE seriously enough (“Oh yea, he’s dirty like always!” “Look out behind you!! The chair!!! HE’S GOT THE CHAIR!!!”). Full-grown men wearing WWE championship belts.

And I loved how the wrestlers had security guards escorting them down the aisle to the exit. You, John Cena, man of muscle, who just lifted a 275-pound 7-foot tall man on your back and slammed him to the ground AND won the match, need this scrawny dude to protect you from the weaklings in the seats?

The wrestling actually looks more fake in real life than it does on TV (sorry everyone who believes it’s real – and there are SO MANY of you out there). But even I gasped and covered my eyes several times when people were being body slammed or worse. And of course there were moments that got the teacher and protector-of-children in me going, like when they showed the video montage of the WWE’s anti-bullying program.

Really? A sport that is based solely on bullying, and they’re sending the stars out there to tell kids not to do it to each other? They actually had the nerve to say “It’s all about respect.” Because when you kick someone in the face, that’s respect!

And the fact that they kept making a big deal out of their shows being “PG.” What’s PG about people slamming other people’s faces into walls or smashing chairs into their bodies? Michelle told me, “The G is for Guidance, and as a Parent, that’s WHAT YOU DO.”

I told her to shut it.

And then we got in a divas cage match right there in the car on the way home from the show.